Shot Out To Yiddishe Mamas:past,present&future

There’s a park of green grasses with roses and daisies

Majestic, unreal, so picture perfect

And at the center, surrounded by gardens

Flowing so freely, so beautiful

Is a fountain, a fountain of love

Spreading it’s wisdom, nurturing soils

Breathing life into each precious seed

It doesn't let up as it gives of itself

Watering them as they blossom from seeds to trees

There’s something about a Yiddishe Mama, that makes her  attract every soul

The sun shines all over, but the warmth we feel most, is from the rays of a Jewish woman’s heart

Through kindness and love, laughter and tears, she stands as the pillar of the home

Baruch Ata Hashem, how grateful  I am Hashem, sheasani kirtzono

She sits near the candles as Shabbos arrives

Watching the flames shining bright

Her head bowed in prayer, her heart sings along

The tears flow, she can’t help but cry

They trickle down pages of a yellowed Tehillim,

 Slowly disappearing out of sight

As each one flies up, soaring straight through the heavens

And the flames, they burn brightly through the night

There’s something about a Yiddisshe Mama, that makes her  attract every soul

The sun shines all over, but the warmth we feel most, is from the rays of a Jewish woman’s heart

Through kindness and love, laughter and tears, she stands as the pillar of the home

Baruch Ata Hashem, how grateful I am Hashem, sheasani kirtzono

Challah, candles, and family purity, Sara paved the way

For the Shechina to hover so near

And Rivka in her kindness fed all the camels, 

Rachel cried for her children, for she felt our pain

And the greatness of Leah, shines forth through her sons

Thousands of years, yet we still feel their presence

For they've sparked for us an eternal flame.

Where Did You Get Those Shoes??

        I got a text this morning from a guy I don't even know who sends out texts of Breslev thoughts. It said the following: "Poor man doing Hisbodedus - 'Hashem please give me the seichel that I don't need shoes, or Hashem please give me shoes'"

      I don't wanna get into the whole speech that came flying through my brain when I read those words, simply because it's a train of thought that never ends, I was literally comparing it to every concept at every level going higher and higher, and lower and lower until I realized the ultimate concept this concept reminds me of, which is Hashem gives us everything, that even the desire to want something Hashem gives us, even the brain that thinks we want something He created. Then of course that thought led me to THE THOUGHT THAT ALWAYS COMES TO HAUNT ME: So what am I, merely a puppet being pulled by strings??

      But then, later on today I was talking to a friend, a person who I hold very near and dear to me, though we hardly see each other. She had a question, an ongoing question, for some reason it keeps coming up in her life, and her question was: Does belief come before knowing?

     I can't say for sure I understand exactly why she's asking this question, all I know is once it's asked it's a very big question that can spark up screaming matches between usually content regular voiced girls in a small quiet coffee shop near the railroad tracks. The reason I think this question can get people going, is because belief and knowledge are huge words. Every person has their own individual way of believing in something, and every person has their own IQ, their own intelligence pattern in their brain. So every single person will have a different opinion based on his/her different views, thoughts, thought processes, that led them up to the moment in which this question is asked. And no answer is right, because every answer is right, which makes right seem like wrong and then we think we're all screwed. I heard a story once that there was two men who were fighting over a piece of property, they both said it's theirs. They went to a Beis Din and the Rabbi/Judge said 'you're both right'. A third guy came along and said, 'but Rabbi, they can't both be right!', so the Rabbi turned to the third guy and said, 'you know what, you're also right'.
    
       Yes, that may seem like a totally retarded story, but at the end of the day, there is no right when it comes to what we think. Because we're all right. Which makes us all wrong. So what the heck am I talking about? I have no idea. I think what I'm trying to say, is based on the poor man's plea for either the seichel that he doesn't need shoes, or just shoes, we have a whole new thing to learn from. Many times, we think that what we know is what it is. But if you look back to a time where you thought you knew, and then it wasn't that, and then you realized that you didn't really know, then you can understand that maybe right now what I know is not really what I'm gonna know soon. That we have to ask Hashem to give us the strength to combat our minds, because our minds are our biggest enemies. We think and think and think, and then in one moment, all our thoughts could be completely different and everything I just thought doesn't matter anymore. So we come to Hashem and we say Hashem look at me I'm a poor man, I lack the wealth of pure knowledge about You, and Your world. I don't have that wealth. And everyone I know also doesn't have that wealth. We're all so poor, so lacking, and this is not a mashal, we really are poor, we lack the wealth of having clarity of Hashem's ways. So Hashem, You who I heard is so powerful and the Creator of everything, You who has all the wealth in the world, either make me know You, let me see You, or let me be at peace with the thought that I'm never gonna truly understand Your ways, and my mind is gonna play all these tricks on me, and make me think that I need to understand You, so give me the seichel to understand that it's just my mind. OR just let me know clearly.

       Sometimes, people think you have to know to believe, and sometimes people think you have to believe to know. But there's another word, and it's called connection. If you truly try to connect yourself to Hashem, not based on belief, not based on knowledge, just connect. The same way, when you sit with a person and you feel connected, it could be you don't even know them, you just feel connected, or you know them so well that you feel connected, either way we all know that connection feeling. We know how to connect in our own ways. Start connecting to Hashem, whether it's by believing, knowing, learning, yearning, or even telling Him "I have no clue if You're even there, and I might be talking to nobody right now, but if You're there, please help me connect". This connection (which usually takes more than a second to get to, and is very on and off until you have such a clear connection which might just be when you're really old unless you work really hard on it) completely erases THE QUESTION THAT HAUNTS ME, and also calms the commotion of the question my friend asked. Connecting to something is a start, once we're connected we can learn more, or feel more, but we got the connection, we have what to hold onto, even if we don't completely understand or feel it.

       So, I know this whole entire page may make absolutely no sense to a lot of people, but that's just because you either don't have the kind of spiritual ADD me and my people have, or you choose not to think too much. Either way, it's all good, my point of this whole thing was really just one sentence: If you don't have shoes, get to know why you don't have shoes, see if you really need them, and remember where you got them.

why should i smile?

 
    It's a question generally thought to be most commonly asked by teenagers going through rough times. But we all know that ain't true. Inside the heads of about 99% of adults, this question hauntingly swirls to the forefront  just about every time someone else tries to get them to cheer up. The teenager has many issues to deal with, many new feelings they don't know what to do with, many external pressures and expectations to stand up to. They kind of have an excuse not to smile, so let me excuse them, if I may. But adults? What even is an adult? We were all once teenagers. We already had the chance to sit and sulk, and if you missed it and were all smiley back then, well then, maybe try it for a day or two, and then snap back up to adulthood. It's so easy. Just sit and ask yourself Why should I smile? I have this thing wrong in my life, this person doesn't treat me right, that person annoys me, this person expects of me too much, that person doesn't love me, that person is ruining my life, that person is in my way, this person is sick, that person is emotionally messed up, I am clueless as to what to do in my life, I just don't care anymore. Just sit and think about all that for two days. Sulk. Sulk. Sulk. Yes, that's why adults who don't know why they should smile are still teenagers..................
                               
                                    SNAP OUT OF IT!

    We need to start smiling more. And no, not because it takes 5,389 less muscles on your face to smile than to frown, and no, not so other people should think we're happy, lest they know the deep, dark secrets we carry, the depression, the sadness, the despair, underneath all the layers of a picture perfect life. And smiling does not make sad things disappear. SO WHY SHOULD I SMILE? I'll give you a few reasons, let me break it down, and let me first say that I did not think about this before I started writing, it's just the way I work, so forgive me if it's not such an organized list, because I'm about to make it up. Please try and read this as relevant to your life as possible, because you cannot smile for the things I smile about and I can't smile for the things you can smile about, but we can definitely learn from each other.

1. Hashem created the world. Hashem created me. Hashem loves me. I am Hashem's child. I think about His love. I think about His Kindness. I think about His constant upkeeping of the world. I live in this world, and whether or not I understand how it all works, I know it's being taken care of. So, I smile, like a child who looks around at his parents, his siblings, his baby, his toys, and just smiles.
2. Hashem has given me so much. Since, the day I was born, I was blessed with countless things, whether they be a physical part of me, emotions, spirituality, good trips with friends or family, good times, good toys, good cars, good money, hands, fingers, toes, feet, shoes, clothing, makeup, good food, good weather, good roller blades. Good music, that part in the play I wanted so badly when I was in 6th grade. The $25.00 I won from a scratch off lottery ticket. So, I smile like a fat kid near the nosh cabinet, like a rich spoiled kid in a roomful of toys.
3. Hashem has put me through a lot of physical pain. Since I was born, I was blessed with boo-boos.. Don't try and stop me. It's all good. The first time I fell, I'm sure it hurt to scrape my knee, to bleed from my lip, I'm sure it hurt to fall off my bike, to fall down the steps, to fall up the steps, to get slapped, or beat up or pulled by the hair (that was the worst) by a bunch of siblings. It also hurt when I broke my toe, as a 21 year old, it was painful having bronchitis every other week, having pneumonia as a child, bee stings, mosquito bites, faliing, falling, falling, falling. Every time, I got hurt, though, there was a band-aid, a cream, a medicine, a doctor, a Hashem. So, I smile like a child getting a band-aid with Hello Kitty on it, after getting a paper-cut.
4. Hashem has put me through a lot of emotional pain. And yes, there's what to be thankful for in that. And I'm not just talking peer pressure, and insecurity. I'm talking, depression, low self esteem, being yelled at by everybody whether it's a teacher, a parent, a friend, family, principal, told by everyone you're no good. I made mistakes, I blamed everyone for everything. I sat in my room and cried for days, for years. I ended up on the streets, the emotions are indescribable. The anger, the confusion, the anxiety, the guilt, the horrors, the crazy. The I want to die. The There Is No Point Of This Crazy Stupid Life Its Making Me Crazy All I Am Is Numb And I Am Never Gonna Get Better And There Is No Hope And This Is Insane And Just Kill Me Or I'll Kill Myself, Screw This World I Hate It Get Me Out Of Here, the WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME G-D WHY WHY WHY???? The trying to get better, going to all the programs, getting all the help, trying so hard, getting somewhere than falling and thinking what was the point? But I know that every single one of those painful experiences has led me to where I am now, and where I am now there is hope, and there is life, and if I'm writing this or reading this, there is hope where there is life, and I am happy. I am truly happy that I went through everything I did, because I made it through and it has helped me in whatever way it has helped me, whether to understand myself, or others, or to be more knowledgeable in decision making... it was all for my good, and it helps me appreciate the good in life. By going through darkness you can appreciate the light. So, I smile like a convict who dug a tunnel for years from his prison cell, and finally broke out. 

    So, that's a few reasons to smile. A few concepts to think about. And we all know how powerful a smile can be. One person smiles, and unless there's really really grumpy people near him, the people near him will smile back. And that, my holy holy holy holy sisters and brothers, is why we should learn why we should smile.

Who Created The World?

    Sometimes I find myself in a casual conversation with another person I hardly know, and all of a sudden I realize we went way too deep. I find myself talking and talking on and on in what some people may refer to as a "spiritual trip". I never know what the right thing to do is, to continue on, maybe the person will receive inspiration, or maybe they have something to inspire me, or to stop the conversation short.
Usually, what ends up happening, is something of a short laugh that will emit from my throat without thinking much about it first, and I'll openly admit that I'm not sure if this is too much for the person, and the person usually responds in a not so sure way that it's totally fine. However, there are times when the receiver of my spiritual trips will actually turn to me and be like "tell me more, no, don't stop i need to hear this right now, i love it, and i have something i want to tell you to."
Because of those people, I have strengthened my faith in the human soul, the thrist of knowledge, the yearning for Truth, that us humans possess.
On that note, I would like to share with you a shtickel speech.
So, I've been learning a lot of new things, and I can honestly say that about 75% of all that I learn, I actually try to ingrain in me. Applying Emunah to my daily life is something I started working on about three years ago. Before that, I kind of had a vague sense of Emunah, there was a G-d, yeah I felt Him here and there, especially in the dark times, but in my head there was a sort of split between Hashem, and the rest of my life. However out of control I felt in those crazy times, that's how much I thought I was in control. I would cry out in pain, I would sink in despair, and make myself more miserable by blaming everything that went wrong on myself. Then I'd turn to drugs, or other distractions, to numb those thoughts, because there was a certain point where my thoughts would just end, because it didn't make sense to go any further. Because all I knew was a world without a personal relationship with Hashem. I was an atheist in a foxhole at times, but at others, I just played contently in the hole, completely numb, mindless, almost lifeless. I didn't feel a live. I remember, at a point where I had finally broken through the darkness, and my life was turning for the good, looking up at the sky, and realizing that I had not really seen the sky ever. I thought I was a nature person, but then I realized I was a selfish nothing person putting on shows for people, and even for myself. I had no clue who I was, no clue who Hashem was, no clue who other people were, and no clue what the sky was. After going through the downhill struggle of trying to find myself through psychology, and just mindless wandering, I finally got practical. Rosh Hashana, 2010 I sat down on the couch with a book called The Garden of Emunah. I started from the first page, and after reading about two chapters, I closed the book stood up and took it with me on a walk. I ended up by my friend's house. I knocked on her door, showed her the book and said "i found a book. learn it with me please". And that is how I first started getting motivated to learn more and more about Emunah, belief in Hashem, and that book led me to more books, which led me to more concepts like doing Hisbodedus, for real going out to the field whenever I could, and just letting go everything I hold in, talking to Hashem who Created me. Anyway, I can go on forever and ever, but I wanted to just give you an idea of how a concept of spirituality can become an actuality, a practical way to institute meaning in life. Pick up a book, find a friend, make it a thing. No one's gonna run after you, you gotta pick yourself up and be mikarev yourself. or you can just sit there in the foxhole, mindlessly eating your bagels and cream cheese for breakfast, sushi and pizza for lunch, and shnitzel sandwiches for supper. Dunkin Donuts and Starbucks can transfrom from places to relax and shut your mind, to a temporary Beis Medrash where you go with a friend and open your heart, mind, and soul to pages you will want to drink in, if you put yourself into it.
Another thought I want to share is something I got from a book called  Building A Sanctuary In The Heart . In it, the author gives a suggestion to write down on a paper what you think your Tikkun is, or something you want to remind yourself constantly to work on, and every fifteen minutes or so, take it out and read it. I took that as writing in my phone an alarm that will buzz every 45 minutes.
In this book, there was a beautiful magnificent story that I want to share.
The Chofetz Chaim, we all know was a big holy Tzaddik. Sometimes, we think of Tzaddikim as so perfect so pure. But how did they get to that point? They all have their own ways of what they did, to get higher and higher. The Chofetz Chaim sometimes felt he was lacking Emunah. On a scale with the average Joe on the other side it might look otherwise, but he felt he was low sometimes. What would the Chofetz Chaim do to regain his Emunah? He would open up a Chumash Beraishis, to the first page, first word. And he would start reading, Bereishis Bara Elokim... then he would ask himself "who created the world?" and he would answer himself, "Hashem." He would go on through each day, like this, reading And on the second day Hashem created.. and on the third day,,.and fourth and fifth... and he would ask himself who created the sky? the sun the stars the ocean the trees the animals, the fish, the sky? and he would answer himself, Hashem. Finally, he'd come to the sixth day. And on the sixth day Hashem created Man. and he would say Who created Man? Hashem created Man! who created me? Hashem created me! In this way the Chofetz Chaim would regain his Emunah.
This really really inspired me, and I doubled these two thoughts into one. Every 45 minutes my phone buzzes, and it says Who created the world? Many people in my life, including kids under the age of 3 and including adults over the age of 40 are aware of this buzzing situation, and we all answer Hashem, with a smile knowing we are keeping in touch with reality, and the real purpose of our lives. I share this with you because, we all at some point are just so out of it, so disconnected. Here's a real simple easy way, to try to connect consistently, daily, and continue on furthermore. May Hashem bless us all with the serenity to be able to realize where we want to go, and how to go about getting there.

Sparks

So many roads I’ve travelled
So many sights I’ve seen
Which ones will last forever
Which ones can make me me

I’ve searched and searched but could not find
The one that gives me peace of mind
Sometimes I throw my hands up in despair
Feels like I’m going nowhere

But deep deep down somewhere
A spark is lit inside my soul
Just waiting to be ignited
Waiting to make the broken whole

All my life I’ve been told lies
I believed the stories nobody buys
I let myself down ignoring my strengths
Gave in to my weaknesses refused to change

Now what am I left with, a broken heart, a lost soul
Who would’ve believed when I was born
This all was destined to be
Who could understand the hurt, the pain
The flashbacks coming again and again

But I know that deep deep down somewhere
A spark is lit inside my soul
It’s waiting to be ignited
Waiting to make the broken whole

Take Me Away

                     Take me away to a land of freedom 

take me away to a people of love

Hold me by the hand as we fly there together
 singing as we soar above

To the land, to the land, to the land of Israel

My heart won't stop chanting this song

To the land to the land to the land of Israel

I can't help but sing along

To the land of my Fathers 

And the land of my Mothers 

To the land of my Sisters

The land of my Brothers

Body and Soul standing together 
but one is not willing to stay

Says Body I need to be here for just a while,
 says Soul well I'm flying away

To the land, to the land, to the land of Israel 

My heart won't stop chanting this song

To the land, to the land, to the land of Israel 

I can't help but sing along

So torn, so confused can't keep up with myself, all I can do is pray

That one day very soon I'll pull everything together, and with G-ds help I'll be on my way

To the land, to the land, to the land of Israel

My heart won't stop chanting this song 

To the land, to the land, to the land of Israel 

I can't help but sing along

Hurt

     Let me start by saying Baruch Hashem I no longer feel this way. Even so, I felt the need to still go ahead and post this due to the fact that people need to empathize with others that are going through things like this, and the only way to truly empathize is to really try and step into their shoes. Not based on facts of their lives, but emotions they feel. We need to tune in to others, to be sensitive, even though we may think they're wrapped up in their pain, which may be true, we can try and start unwrapping the tight blanket of misery, and the first step is to understand. With that in mind, may we all never have to endure the pain of no one knowing you are hurting, and may we all reach out to those who are hurting and lend them some band-aids. Through this, we become family, through this we become a nation, one, united to serve Hashem.

I’m hurting

I’m hurting

and there’s nothing else to do but sing a song,
 a lonely song about how

I’m hurting

Can’t you see behind these blank brown eyes

The puddles of tears held back by a dam called pride

Don’t you know, don’t you know, the anger I let show

Is a cover up for my super sensitive soul

I’m hurting 

I’m hurting

I’m hurting, I’m bleedin from the inside

I’m hurting, and it feels better when I hide

But it still hurts

'Cuz I’m hiding my true feelings 

But  when I let them show some people don’t believe me

And it feels like I’m goin round in circles

Running from the same old hell for way too long

But all this time, I keep on trying, keep on standing strong

On the outside but inside me is still torn

Can’t you hear the soft cry of my soul

 Begging silently for a better tomorrow 

Don’t you know, don’t you know  what it feels like

To hurt so bad inside for the millionth time

I've been waiting for the clouds to part

The sun to shine its warmth down on me

And I never tire of gazing at the stars

But  all these thoughts and all this pain

It keeps on hurting again and again

And the clouds they keep together

And the sun hides from my face

And the stars they sadly wink at me from far

I’m hurting

I’m hurting

and there’s nothing else to do but sing a song, a lonely song about how

I’m hurting

Simchas Beis Hashuavah in the Forest

I can’t help but feel

I can’t help but know

I tried to turn away

But You did not let go

Cry

Cry

Cry from deep inside

Feel yourself go so high

And just cry

See the children dancing

See the people smiling

See the feet flying

See their spirits soaring

Cry

From deep inside

Asking myself why

Why, why, why, why, why

Don’t let a minute pass you by

Don’t let a minute waste by

Every minute I wasted

I can’t help but to

Cry

Asking myself why

How did I let You go

Why

All I can do is cry

Cry

It hurts so bad

I wish it never had to happen

I wish I saw before what I see now

If I could change the clock

I’d start all over

All I could do Is cry

See the women living

See the tzadikim davening

See the people

Just, just, just, just

Cry

I, got no other words

All I could .. cry

Cry deep inside

Don’t let a second pass you by

Hold onto your Father up High

Don’t let a minute pass you by

Without asking why

Cry for the lost

Cry for the near

Cry for the ones who fear to come too near

Cry for the helpless

Cry for the hopeless

Cry for the end of this pain

Cry for the past

Cry for the present

Cry

Keep on dancing

Keep on singing

And I’ll just cry

Yavo alainu mashiach ben david

No more tears will be cried

Cry

No more tears will be cried

I Just Wanna Go Home

When she was born, her parents used to say

What a sweet child, she’ll become great one day

But as the years went by, her innocence faded away

There was confusion, so much pain, that got in the way

They were angry, she was sad

She tried to find the good, they told her she was bad

It turned into a fight between a girl and the world

Yet, somewhere deep inside her, a voice could be heard

Saying

I, I just wanna go back home

I lost my way, I thought I knew where I was going

But I, I realize that I, I just wanna go back home

back to the beginning, back to where I’m running from,

I need direction, send me a sign, show me the way back home

When she was born, her Creator did say

What a sweet nation, they’ll become great one day

But as the years went by, our innocence faded away

There were differences, so much foolishness that got in the way

Generations, so many legacies

They fought their enemies, so we can be

But  then it turned into a fight between Jewish brothers

Yet, somewhere deep inside, amongst the hatred and the pride

A nation’s voice could be heard

Saying

I, I just wanna go back home

I lost my way, I thought I knew where I was going

But I, I realize that I, I just wanna go back home

I know it looks like I want to be here, but it’s just cuz I make it seem that way

Nobody wants to be so far from home, no one ever wants to be so alone,

We’re coming back coming home, tell the world we’re coming home

Trying to follow the stepping stones to guide us home

V’shavu Banim Ligvulam

Every Little Thing

Looking back, at years gone by

It’s hard to believe that girl was me

My world was black and dark

There was no hope in sight

I was ashamed and confused

I was angry at my plight

I never thought things would change

But today looking back

It’s like my eyes were always closed

To the beauty of this world

It’s a whole new world

Be a part

Open your heart

Hold on tight

Travel towards the light

And you’ll see every little thing’s

Gonna be alright

There comes a time

When you know

You are ready to let go

Close the twisted doors behind you

And move on

Opportunites are endless there is so much to explore

All this time I was blind to what was right in front of me

But as I open up my eyes I can see

So much more

There’s a whole new world waiting to be found

There’s a world full of joy of love to go around

There is pain to be shared, tears to be cried

But there is hope and it shines so bright

It’s a whole new world

Be a part

Open your heart

Hold on tight

Travel towards the light

And you’ll see every little thing’s gonna be alright

Don't Quote Me, But...

What is a person? A piece of Hashem. Sometimes, a person doesn’t realize he’s a piece of Hashem. He thinks he’s in control of what he’s doing. He thinks his body is what he’s living for. He listens to his body to tell him what to do. When he does that, the piece of Hashem dies a little. When you come in contact with someone whose piece of Hashem has died, it’s your responsibility, your loyalty to your Creator, to reignite their flame so that their piece of Hashem lights up as never before. Don’t judge them because you have no way of knowing anything what’s going on with them, but your job is to try to get the flame going. If you fall for their weakness and judge them on how their body is acting, you make your piece of Hashem die a little. We’re all, one big unification. We all fall, we all have weaknesses, but together we can all reignite the Shechina so that it is One and Complete. Perfect, and pure. And when it is, there will be no more blindness, no more weakness, and no mistakes. A person can succumb to their pain; they can get so blinded to the point of unawareness of their own existence, let alone Hashem’s beautiful world. When a person doesn’t see because he’s in pain, that is a great time to reignite, to show them. Why? Because they’re so blind, whatever you show them will be what they see. Someone who already sees, so they continue to fall for their nonsense, and it’s hard to accept a new perspective of what they think they already know in a different light. But someone in pain, you can kiss away their tears, and show them a whole new world! And now I’ll tell you a secret. Every single person who acts with body and forgets Hashem is in pain! Sometime you understand them, sometimes you don’t. Sometimes they tell you, but most people keep it hidden, so hidden, even from themselves, that they’re in pain. When you’re with Hashem, so there’s no pain. Because the pain turns into joy, the pain becomes a process of getting closer to Hashem. And if you’re not, so you feel the pain. Every neshama knows what it needs, but sadly a lot of neshamos are hungry, thirsty for nourishment. For closeness to Hashem. If you meet somebody, you could have known them all your life, or just met them but if they’re having a moment of hunger, of soul thirst you must not feed them empty thoughts. You must energize them with food for their soul. Their neshama will soak it all in even if their body/mind can’t comprehend, but the day will come when that body will acknowledge it’s neshama and there will be some nourishment already there. No one is better than the next person, but yes some people are more aware of purpose and meaning, namely Hashem. Then there’s the yetzer hara who will stop in its’ sly conniving ways to get you to also fall for body life. And you might hear voices telling you to instead of reigniting their soul, to reignite their weaknesses, it’s easier. The voices might say to just play along with their nonsense, maybe they won’t even understand what I’m saying… But a mind can forget or not understand, yet a neshama knows and soaks it all in. like putting food in a freezer for future use.. nourish the souls. Fill them up with knowledge of Hashem, with feelings of yearnings, closeness… so that when the day comes, they will open the door to their neshama, and it will have at least a few things in it, if not full. Do it for Hashem. Do it for Mashiach. Do it for the lost people, so that they find themselves on their way home.

Rebuilding Your Broken Self

I found this in the pocket of my guitar case scribbled on a few sticky notes this morning. I remember writing it about a year ago. It was a time in my life where I felt like I had picked myself up and all of a sudden old things were crashing down on me tempting me to give up all I accomplished and go right back to where I drowned the years before that. I want to share this just in case somebody can benefit from it, don't look at it as something far off, every person has it in them to be as great as they can be, and every person is a child of Hashem no matter where or what they are. There's no differentiation between two souls, we all come from the same Hashem and we all yearn for Hashem deep in our hearts. Anyway here goes: 

When everything seems to be crumbling, everything you thought you had firmly cemented into your daily life begins to collapse into a pile of clouded debris that seems to disappear the second it hits the ground and you are left with absolute nothingness. That is the moment you meet your soul and realize the extent of Hashem's reign, how Hashem is chai v'kayam and no minute goes by without upholding the world and constantly guarding and watching and loving and giving measure for measure. That is the moment you must realize and accept upon yourself that no second can go by without working tirelessly and with much effort on serving Hashem, and trusting in Him 100%. You must constantly talk to Him and learn more and more of what He wants from you and what you need to be doing within yourself to get to that point of complete Emuna in Hashem. Don't sit in despair and sadness, that is a never ending downward spiral. Keep smiling, giving, and longing, and yearning, and thanking, and working on yourself so that you will climb to greater heights, and instead of trying to build the same tower as before, begin a brand new one because you have the chance to start new each day, each hour, each minute, each second. Don't let it go away. Make your downfall the beginning of a new climb. Keep firm and strong in your belief in Hashem, and continue to get to know Him more and more. Every second of every day must be lived with Him in your heart and mind. No action can be without a sense of fulfilling Hashem's wishes. But remember if you do slip up, to quickly pick up again and do Teshuva and ask Hashem for mercy, not that you deserve it but because He is so loving and kind that He will do it. Thank You Hashem for this bit of clarity. I love You.

Overheard

It is a great thing to hear music from a holy person playing on an instrument for the sake of Heaven, because through this, false fantasies are dismissed, the spirit of depression is dispelled, and the person merits happiness. Through this the memory is preserved, that is, the memory of the World to Come, and a person is able to understand the hints that Hashem is constantly hinting to him every day. Furthermore, through this a person can reach the level of the spirit of prophecy and Divine Inspiration, and he will be able to pour out his heart like water before Hashem.

(source unknown)

"People walk around sad because they don’t know what to do with their future. You have this minute right now. What are you doing with it? The difference between sadness and joy is very simple. Sadness always tells you : ‘Oy vey! What are you going to do in ten minutes? What will you do ten years from now?’ if you are really filled with joy for one minute, then you will know what to do the next minute also. What is God giving you? He is giving you this minute. He hasn’t given tomorrow. Of course, I don’t know what to do tomorrow, because I didn’t receive it yet. Sadness is very much concerned with what I don’t have, and I really don’t have tomorrow
yet. The truth is, I am always standing before nothingness, because I am nonexistent yet for the next minute. I’m not here yet. Time isn’t there. The world isn’t there. The world is here… right now!"

(Reb Shlomo Carlebach)

A Letter To G-D

Dear G-d,
Hey G-d, remember me?
We used to be close, just You and me
I’m not sure what exactly grew us apart
But I know, since I left You, I’ve had a broken heart
I wish I can come to You, look You in the eye
And promise I’ll stay with You, as long as I’m alive
But I don’t know where to look, so that I can get that close
And it’s frustrating cuz, I really miss You most.

I heard a lot about You, since I broke off our connection
I heard that You never left me, that You have no imperfections
I heard that You still love me, that no matter how far I go
You see me, and hear me, and guide me as I grow
I heard You never give up, cuz each person is Your child
Even if Your child slips and falls, or goes completely wild
You still love them, and take care of them, and wait for their return
You light a spark inside each soul, and wait for it to burn.

I really miss You, G-d, it’s true
I’m searching everywhere, looking for You
And I know You’re somewhere, right in front of me
Waiting for me to come back to You, and then You’ll let me see.
So, here I am vulnerable and real, running back into Your arms
I’m asking You to hold me tight, to save me from all harm
My soul is aching, I’ve been so lost, please let me back in
I wanna let go of the pain of the past, and with You, a new life begin

My tears are streaming, can’t stop crying,
I want to stop this feeling I have like I’m dying
Help me return to You, to Truth, the only Truth
And while I’m at it, this prayer is for all troubled youth
I love You so much and I missed You, so
Come, let me embrace You with my heart and soul

With love ,
Your daughter

I Strike A Match and Light My Soul

What is it about death
Makes a person come alive
One candle flickers another soars
One soul extinguished, another ignites
Just like that its gone
But suddenly its just begun
One second bears no future
One lifetime bears no past
No end beginning or a middle
Just endless floating timeless motions
Circling above horizons
Landing thuds crashing ground
Death leaves life to rot
And life begins to fight against it
One candle explodes in war
As dying flames smoke up to Heaven
I strike a match and light my soul

Women and Chanukah

Women and Chanukah. Ma Hakesher??

We, the female representatives, sometimes get a little bit lost when it comes to great historical nissim. Like where were the women? How did things affect the women?? We want to be connected to the past, we yearn to commemorate just like the men, yet sometimes we fail to relate to historical events and we don't actually feel the extent of the neis of freedom that occurred. So, Chanukah, what can we relate to and thereby feel a slight connection to a war that happened many years ago? In our heads we think, men fought against men, probably the women stayed home and had no clue what was even going on. What does this have to do with me?

And then we learn this:
The Gemara Shabbos 23a states that a woman is obligated in the mitzva of ner chanukah because we too were involved. A lot of commentaries say the way we were involved was Yehudis using her beauty to get into the general and kill him, severing his head and when the enemy saw his head they fled. But most people also say that event with Yehudis happened way before Chanukah, and actually had nothing to do with the mitzvah of ner chanukah. So how do we relate to the mitzvah?

Rashi, plain and simple holy holy Rashi, says the following: 

In the days when the Greeks restricted the Jews from learning Torah, from Bris Milah, from Rosh Chodesh, from keeping Shabbos... they had one more law we rarely hear about. When a young girl would get engaged during those times, beautiful young brides who looked similar to us, thought similar to us... got excited, emotional, scared, vulnerable happy... They'd count down the days to their wedding, the day of hope, the day they'd become whole. Before their chupah, the Greeks would come snatch the bride and seclude her in a room with the Greek general. No Jewish bride was allowed to her chupah without being first secluded with the evil nasty sadistic cruel Greek general. 

We all know what went on in there, and we all can relate to the pain, the tremors, the anger, and the ultimate redemption from these pure cruel ways. We can imagine the tears, the confusion, and the joy when Hashem made the neis of freedom from the Greeks. We can feel the bars being lifted, the ecstasy women must have felt back then, when this was no longer what they had to endure on the way to their chuppahs. With this in mind, let us women connect to the miracle of Chanukah and how Hashem sets everyone free from their own personal slaveries. From their own wars, their individual pain.

Let us light the menorah, play dreidel, sing Hallel, and eat latkes with the greatest thanks to Hashem. 

Happy Chanukah!

I Hate This Feeling Abba

Do you need help connecting to Hashem, to ask Him for help? Here's my little offering. Close ur eyes and really let the feeling seep in when u r done reading:

     
I'm a little kid, I'm in bed trying to sleep when suddenly I feel like I'm swimming in an ocean. I'm confused, not sure why I feel this way. Then I realize: I peed in my pants.. Emotions start racing, what did I do, I don't like this feeling, I need help I need help I need help.. Slowly I walk to the top of the stairs and in a whimper even I can barely hear I cry out "Abba....Abba....Abbaaaa..Abbaaa!!"

           

Slowly getting louder but still not loud enough. My heart is racing mý head pounding. I look down and see wet pajamas I'm sticky I hate this feeling.. "Abbbbaaaa!!!!" "Abbaaaaaaaaaaa!!! 

     

AAAABBBBBAAAAAAAAAA! I made on myself I got myself so dirty!!! I'm in such a messs!!! Abbba I need help!! I'm so helpless so clueless its in middle of the night its dark I'm so scared I made myself dirty wet sticky eweey I'm ashamed I'm upset I wanna get clean I'm getting cold Abbbaaa!!! Come help me!! Abba I need you!! Abbbaaaaa!!!!!!!! I don't know how to get out of this myself, Abbbaaa!!" 

Crying louder and louder tears dripping down my cheeks.. 

The screaming dying down as strong footsteps can be heard coming slowly towards the bottom of the steps.. I'm back to a whimper a soft cry, I called Abba, I cried out loud enough that he can hear me, real enough that He knows I really need him and now he's here... I sniffle between my words now "Abba...sniffle... I'm all wet.. Sniffle... I need u .... Sniffle... Abba... Abbaaa... Abbaa..."

The Simple Jew

                  WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BE A SIMPLE JEW? 

• Keep your head bowed; you are not higher, better, or wiser than any other being, or than Hashem. 
• Keep what you do to yourself (good deeds), and remain silent when you are spoken to abusively. 
• Serve Hashem from your heart and soul rather than from logic and social pressure. 
• Make Hashem into your best friend. 
• Treat people the way you would like to be treated. 
• Don’t busy yourself in news, nonsense, fashion, etc.., rather tune into your surroundings and seek to give.
• Listen more than speak. 
• Appoint yourself a Rav. 
• Get close to a Tzaddik. Or at least try to reflect his good deeds.