Writer's Block. Brain Freeze. Blackout.
I seriously could not come up with anything. For weeks. I have so much I wanna say, yet I just can't. So of course, when it finally came to me, this is what it was.
People sometimes make fun of me, others are amazed. But most people just have no idea. I'm talking about Hisbodedut, going out somewhere private letting go of all things you carry everywhere and plain and simple talk to Hashem time. What happens to most people when they first hear this concept is one of two things. Either: I daven every day, I don't need to go to a field to talk to Hashem I can talk to Him in my kitchen. Or: K, that's just too weird for me, not my type of thing!
If I may, both of those are B.S. You know some people actually qualify for a degree in B.S. already. They're so overly experienced, they should just start a practice. Well, when you try it on me, I throw it back in your face. Here goes.
So, remember that time that day, that you were completely confused for a minute who exactly you are and what life is about, cuz someone said that one deep comment and you ignore it at the moment but then later actually thought about it, and had to shake it off and like play a game on our ipod to distract your head from it? Also, remember that time when someone really insulted you, and you put on a whole show of yeah, i'm ok, its totally fine, it's from Hashem, but then you went home and binged on everything in the kitchen and wrapped yourself up in your bed with a movie and disappeared from your misery cuz it was just too hard for you? Or how about that morning when you woke up feeling not the greatest and then you went to work anyway, and no one appreciated the fact that you went to work sick, or that time you cleaned up and no one noticed, or the time you helped someone out and they just turn around and backstabbed you, or that time you were in shoprite and you helped an old lady get something off a shelf, and then you let a homeless person go in front of you on line, and then that other person was staring at you making you feel so uncomfortable and then you felt this whole weird Hasgacha Pratis story because on your way to the parking lot, the old lady, the homeless man, and the guy staring at you all were parked right next to your car, and it was just a peculiar feeling.
Okay, my point: things happen throughout the day, throughout our life. There are many people we could talk to, but frankly people are not so interested after a dramatic story to hear the less dramatic one. Yes, sometimes people will sit and listen. And that's beautiful. But imagine you could go to someone and say every single thing on your mind, and He actually hears, and it's not like talking inside your head you actually feel like you got a load off your shoulders, and you can breathe. Everything we go through is meaningful, every coincidence was meant to happen, every decision was left to you. It's all messages from Hashem, so when we get confused, or disoriented or frustrated, why don't people realize Hashem is right there waiting for us to come to Him? Whether you lock yourself in your room, or head out to fields, which by the way once you start looking for spots, there are sooo many great ones, (just don't steal any of mine. If you see my car parked, find another spot.) you have an immense valuable treasure lying at the tip of your tongue. When you start speaking to Hashem, in a voice like you're speaking to a close friend, and telling them your day, but with the innermost feelings and thoughts that you have, you start to feel a presence listening,. Sometimes, when you'r so broken, so full of heartache and pain, sometimes a scream will help. Scream with all your might, from the depths of your soul, scream to Hashem, our Abba, for He is the One who can actually take care of You. Hashem wants our attention. He wants our prayers, He wants our communication. Don't let out your screams on people around you, they did nothing wrong, no one did anything wrong, it's all Hashem sending you messages, and in the moment you might think it's people but when you clear yourself and head to alone time with Hashem, you'll realize that NOTHING ELSE MATTERS IN LIFE ONLY HASHEM.
Sometimes people say the get brain freeze, it's like they came here to do something, but they just freeze and turn around go home and forget they ever ventured out to do something so real. Let me help you out, with an example of a Hisbodedut. This is an example, there is no two Hitbodedut that are the same, here's an example, you do as you want. but DO IT!:
*walking slowly on a path through a field near a pond, picking leaves as passing by low hanging branches, crumbling them and lettimg them flutter to the ground*
"Hashem, (quietly), Hashem, hi." *thinks what to say* "Hashem, I don't know what to say. I don't know what I can possibly say to You. I'm just a nothing, You're everything. You give and You give and You give, You are Most Powerful Master of the World, CHai Vkayam. But Hashem, I don't even know You, I never think about You, I always forget You Hashem! That must be so painful for You Hashem! But I'm here. I came here to talk to You, and I'm gonna talk to You. I really feel weird, because I don't see You, Hashem! I don't see You! Every day I don't see You, You know how hard it is to live a life of not seeing our Creator who we talk about all day, who created us who loves us, and we don't even know where You are! But I know You hear me Hashem, right You hear me? *tears start slowly* Hashem! There's so much pain! Hashem why does everything have to be like this? Hashem, _______ has cancer, ________ is never getting married and I cannot deal with her pain anymore it kills me too much,_________ is going through such a hard time, she left Judaism then she came back and no one is accepting her and understanding her! Hashem how crazy is that, that people dump Yiddisheit, then they come back, and they have to try and fit in somewhere, Everyone should be running with open arms! Hashem what is everyone thinking? Don't they know what You want from us in life? Hashem why is everyone so twisted? I don't get it! At work today, my boss told me he wants me to stay late everyday and there is absolutely no objections. Hello? I don't understand, he thinks he can control me? Haashem only You! But Hashem, then I get confused because everything is from you, so maybe that was really from You, like how am I supposed to know... AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! ABBBBBBAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! I NEED YOU! You're my father Hashem!!!!!! AAAAABBBBBBAAAAAA!!!!!!! I'm Your DAUGHTER!!! ABBA HOLD ME IN YOUR ARMS! Hashem, everything's so crazy, people are so sick, I can't deal with the pain, How do YOU Deal with the Pain? We cannot have any more pain down here Hashem, it's too much!!!!!!!!!! Hashem there's SO MANY PEOPLE in this world that You created SO MANY PEOPLE that NEED YOU! WE NEED MIRACLES! WE need the MIRACLE OF PEOPLE KNOWING WHO YOU ARE!!! ABBBBBBBBBAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What was I THINKING!!!! *sobbing almost not breathing* HASHEM WHAT WAS I THINKING!!!!!! WHY DID I SPEND MY ENTIRE LIFE WASTING IT ON RETARDED STUFF!!!! WHY DID I MAKE ALL THOSE BAD DECISIONS! HASHEM I"M SORRYYY!!!!!! hashem i can'tttttt i can't bear with the pain anymore, i can't hold all this inside me. Hashem I need you. Hashem that time that person did that thing to me, what should I have done Hashem? SHould i have stood there and taken it, or fought back? If i would've stood there, so I would've been like a robot nothing, and I would've gotten hurt, so it's good I fought back right Hashem? You wanted me to, I know You wanted me to, You were taking care of me, You were with me fighting back that time. THank You Hasehm. Thank you for always being there, guiding me, taking care of me, even though a lot of time I don't see You, I know You're there always with me. Hashem *sobs slowing down to confidence, and a wave of sunlight hitting your eyes* please watch over me and all the people I know. All the young boys and girls who have no clue what to do in their life right now, they got hurt, they're trying to find themselves in all the wrong places, the don't know what I know, I've been through that already, they don't know that the only way to get life back is to come close to You Hashem, until then they're all lost. Please watch over them, and please watch over my family and friends that everyone should have the strength to pull through whatever it is they need to pull through, and for the specifics...... and for my future kids, and my future hi=usband if I ever will find HIm. Hashem please watch over everyone, please bring Mashiach. Hashem I love You so much, thank you for showing me The way. I will go back and try to keep You in mind throughout the day, live with You in my heart and on the tip of my tongue. I LOVE YOU HASHEM! ABBAA!!!
*walks back confidently with purpose on shoulders, back to reality of busy hectic life, but with Hashem on mind*
So, yeah that's one example just to sample what you can say, you can say whatever you want, talk about one thing or everything or nothing. You can hum, you can cry, you can laugh, you can talk, you can lie down, you can whisper, you can scream. It all works.
Brain freezes will come to haunt you , so be prepared. Go ahead. Good luck!
