Thursday, January 17, 2013

Letting Go Of The Past

"Your past is like a rearview mirror. It's good to look back once in a while, but if you stare too hard, you'll miss what's in front of you."

If every time the sun would set, one ray would stay afloat
If right after a flame goes out, one spark would cast a glow
If all the waves would crash to shore, but one would linger mid-air
If as the leaves were falling down, the branches would shed tears
Only then, would I believe, the past can yet remain
Only then, would I retrieve the memories, the pain
But since what goes down, stays forever, and slowly disappears
I know that every single thing I went through in all my years
Is gone forever, never ever going to be within my reach
I can only remember, only look back, and squash it... like a peach. 

          *sighhhhh* Letting go of the past................. Yup, it's a big one. A huge one. The One I Fought For Years Against And Swore I Would Never Do It And Then I Did It. I always promised others and myself too, that I would NOT, I repeat would NOT be like those people who screw up when they're teenagers, and then miraculously turn their life around and everything's all better, and blah blah blah. Back then, I hated those people. They represented a concept I couldn't relate to, they represented a world of hope, and back then... well there really was no hope. All I saw was darkness. When people would ask me how I saw my future I would really really try to see it, but there was just nothing. I never thought for a second, I would ever change. Ah, change. That's the word. Change lets you let go of the past. Some people stay in the same job, with the same phone number, the same friends, same house for years, and years, and years. If it's a healthy person we're talking about, that's great! The memories stay because every where you were back then, you're still there walking the same floor, dialing the same number. So you have a good healthy past in which you were constantly creating a good healthy future in which you currently are in. Every time you walk in the door, every time you sit down on the couch, good stuff floods your brains, and it helps you to keep going forward. But what if it wasn't healthy? And you stuck with it anyway? You know what happens? Maybe you do, maybe you don't. I do. I held on so tight. I would not let go. And so, the struggle continued.

           I know so many people who are holding onto their past. You may be one of them. You should know firstly, that I don't think I am completely out of the loop in this one, I do have my moments. But I don't like writing about things I don't actively work on in my own life. So, this is a thing I'm actively working on in my life, and I've gotten places. When you get there you know you got there. So let me try and explain what letting go does. 

          Picture a person sitting in a chair. A regular chair. This person is not paralyzed. This person can walk, breathe, talk, run, jump, dance, sing. Wait, this person is actually an acrobat. And a professional juggler. And, he also on the side happens to be a great conversational, outgoing, friendly person. He has many, many qualities, and many talents. He has a working brain, a working everything, yet he sits in the chair. Why is he sitting the chair? I'll tell you. One day, this Jack of All Trades was performing as an acrobat. He was on a high wire balancing his whole body on the tip of his pinky fingernail. Suddenly, he remembered he knows how to juggle, so he began taking off his buttons from his shirt, and proceeded to juggle them upside down on the wire hanging from his pinky fingernail. The crowd cheered him on. Next, he begins to sing while doing all that, singing an opera song using his lungs to their full capacity. And yet, he still remembers one more thing, he's a funny guy. So, he begins to crack jokes while singing, while juggling his buttons, while balancing on his pinky fingernail on the highest wire he could find. The crowd is applauding. .... and then it happens..... He falls.. off the wire, buttons flying in the air, his voice echoing in all directions, screaming echoes of a fallen acrobat. his pinky fingernail flies in the air, drifting until it lands on someone in the audience's suit jacket, and seeing it, they brush it away, to the floor. Our guy is doing a slow motion fall.... he's still mid - air... and THUD, he lands on a hardwood floor. All he's thinking is for what reason in the world is there not safe cushions under every wire on this planet. He is all bruised up. From head to toe. The people in the audience are kinda quiet. What to do? No one knows. Some medics arrive, and try to help him out, but he's so ashamed, he can't even begin to acknowledge the physical pain he's in. He had it all, his show was going great, and then BAM, he can't go on. He's numb. He looks at his bleeding body, and cannot feel. Some people in the audience are booing him, others are shouting at the booers, and there are some cheering him on to get up. He can't focus though. Things go fuzzy, he blacks out. Next thing he knows he's waking up in a hospital bed, with no real serious injuries, albeit plenty of cuts and bruises. The first few steps he takes are painful, but it slowly gets better, and easier. But he can't forget it. That fall. What if as he's walking on the sidewalk down the block, what if he falls flat on his face? What if when he goes up the steps to work, what if he falls down the steps? What if people see him fall? What if he falls alone? What if? What if? And so, he sits in a chair. He feels trapped, like there's handcuffs around his wrists and his hands behind his back, like a noose around his neck, and a constant tug pulling him tighter against the chair. And so, our person sits. For years, and years, and years, and years.

         If I were to tell you how many people I know who are living their lives like this guy I just made up, I don't even know if you'd be surprised. You probably know them too, or you may be one. I was that person, and I am free to admit it, and to acknowledge the fact that I am no longer trapped in the past Baruch Hashem, Thank You Hashem, It's all You Hashem. When you're in it, it's impossible to see that you can get out of it. It won't come to you. You have to make it happen. You have so much in you, and sometimes it's precisely those amazing qualities you have in you that make you fall, when used in it's negative form. Every character trait has a negative and positive side to it. You might have fallen using a quality you have in a negative light, but you can pick yourself up, or at least get the handcuffs off, by using that quality in a positive way. Everything has it's flip-side. What made you fall, can help you grow. And how do you go about doing that? GET OFF THE CHAIR. Get up! Let go of the past! Let it all sink away, deep down in the sea where pieces of the Titanic have been sinking for years. Let it go! Once you let it go, you can look back, and try to gain some clarity. Try to learn from your mistakes. But you first gotta get out of it. You can protect yourself sometimes, by staying in the same pattern you were in when you fell, but that pattern will not really protect you. It will numb you, it will make you think you're good, but you will not get anywhere in life. And if you're in a place where you don't even care to get anywhere in life, start caring. Because life is precious, and time is slipping away into the future. 

         Every person has in them the ability to pick themselves up, and start again. Let Go and Let God. Yeah, the AA people know something. It's just a matter of getting off that dumb old chair, which by the way eventually will break. 

         Spiritually speaking, which is really generally speaking, thank Hashem for your past. Whether it was good, semi good, semi bad, or horrible, thank Hashem. Ask Him to help you get out of it, make some changes, and let go. You can't ever go back, you're holding onto nothingness. Try holding onto a metal bar, you got a grip, but try holding onto thin air, it hurts. The past hurts. The future doesn't have to be planned. But the present must be lived, and in order to live it, you must let go of the past. Remember who you are, remember what you have inside of you. Don't let yourself or others hold you back, at the end of the day, it's you and Hashem, and whatever your relationship with Him is, He is constantly there for us, and we in turn need to trust Him, and move on. 

         THANK YOU HASHEM. 
There are no words I can use to adequately describe the joy of the freedom of letting go. It is redemption of the soul. There's a concept of personal Mashiach, which is a redemption of an individual from themselves, from their past, from the misery. May we all let go, move forward and bring Mashiach, AMEN.

            
 
 

Saturday, January 5, 2013

Do I Care That I Did Something Wrong?

        Help. I did something bad. I really messed up, I don't know what to do. Do I go over and try to fix it or do I let time do it's thing, and it will be forgotten and I will not be held at fault? If I think about it for a second, yeah I do wanna try to fix it, but if I don't think about it, it can just disappear and I can make it like it never even happened.

       You know what I'm saying? Right, because it happens to you too. There's something sweet in doing something wrong. There's also something sweet in doing something wrong and totally ignoring it. I'm not making this up, R' Asher Freund zt"l used to talk about it. It's a certain toothy grin we get, and it also comes when we're having a bad day sometimes. It makes us not want to try and smile, because deep down, somewhere we don't even know exists in us, it is as sweet as honey to be miserable, and doing something wrong and not fixing it makes us miserable, hence the sweetness of it. So, if the thing I did was to another person, I have a chance as long as I'm alive to go and try and fix it. The person probably won't come to you though, to beg for you to fix what you did; if they do however, that is pretty G-dly. Which leads me to my rambling:

       Hashem wants a relationship from us. He wants it all day, all morning, all afternoon, all night. He wants us to know Him. He wants us to talk to Him. He wants us to believe in Him, He wants us to love Him. He started this relationship with you a long, long time ago, the second you were born. That is when you met. It took time, for you to learn how to walk, to talk, to eat, to think. To be able to relate to Him. Sometimes we think it's a one way relationship, we don't hear back from Him. But then we realize that we woke up this morning, and that coffee was really good, and we have all our things we have, and the weather is nice, and my car is really a cool invention, and I know some awesome people, and my job is great, and yes, even that deadly cigarette which I am trying to get rid of, was just awesome. Ha! I know, things are not all that great, I just only focused on good stuff. There's plenty bad, there's plenty that goes wrong. Coffee doesn't always come out great, sometimes we lose things we have, the weather is horrible, my car doesn't start, people are annoying, my job sucks, and, well I'm out of cigarettes. :) But if I'm reading this right now, I woke up this morning, and that means I have a chance to fix my life. 

         FROM THIS POINT ON PLEASE ONLY READ IF YOU WOKE UP THIS MORNING

      This relationship with Hashem I'm talking about, is the best relationship. You could be anywhere, it could be any time, and you have Him! He gives you great things, He gives you everything! But guess what, sometimes He makes it hard. Sometimes, He feels you're not putting much into the relationship and He lets you know. But how great is that! Imagine being in a relationship with someone, and you wanna make it last forever, you don't want it to ever end, but you know you might make it not work out. Imagine if that person never lets you go, they are always out for your good, for it to work. When you mess up they tell you how to fix it up so that you can stay in it. It's too easy. It's so beautiful. That's Hashem. I know it's a hard concept, because sometimes it's confusing, what, the weather's not good today because I did something bad yesterday? What kind of games are you playing with me Hashem?? So, instead of taking my word for it, you can probably find it in a lot of books with sources, and somewhere in the Torah itself, but I have no clue where, and I don't wanna put sources in due to my ramblings; I wouldn't want to distort any serious facts. But I do know that Hashem sends us messages, all day. And we know that a wise person needs just a whisper, while a foolish person needs some louder noises. But a foolish person is someone who doesn't take the time to learn, so if you're trying, and learning, you're wise. Can you hear that whisper? 

        So, we mess up. Because we're humans and it's natural. Hashem has rachmanus on us, so He gives us a chance to defend ourselves. How do we defend ourselves? There is no defense.  There is nothing we can say to justify what we did wrong. We can try and pacify ourselves, that it wasn't so bad, it could've been worse. But to Hashem there is no defense we can possibly bring. So what can we bring to Hashem? We fix what we did by getting closer to Him. By doing Teshuva. By moving forward. By facing our wrongdoings and not letting them rot in piles all over the country. By caring that we did something wrong. By showing gratitude to Hashem for everything. Through wanting to fix it, wanting to stay in the relationship with Hashem. Teshuva, Teshuva, Teshuva. It's so powerful. Remember Rosh Hashana? Remember the shofar? Remember the feeling? No? Close your eyes, sit down, think back, feel. Try. Let me tell you a story R' Levi Yitzchak of Berditchov shared about the Shofar.
There was once a king who's heart was sad. He went for a walk in the mountains, wearing plain clothes. All of a sudden he heard a beautiful sound coming from the fields. A beautiful melody, each chord struck another piece of his sad heart, making him happy. He followed the sounds until he came upon a shepherd sitting on the grass playing the flute. He asked the shepherd, "who are you playing for?"The shepherd answered, "I play for the king." "Did you ever meet the king?" "No." "Do you know what the king is like?" The shepherd answered, "The king is like a shepherd. I'm a small shepherd, I bring my sheep to the pastures to eat, I care for the, I guide them. The king leads the people, he guides them, he gives them to eat." "I am the king," the king replied. "And I want to reward you for making my heart happy. I'll get someone else to replace you as a shepherd, and you will come to live with me in the royal palace, I will get you golden robes, and all the riches in the world." The shepherd moved in to the palace. One day the Prime Minister of the Royal Palace, pulled the shepherd aside, and said "Tell me, what do you really think about the king? I won't tell anyone." "Really? Off the record? I think he's selfish, I think he is out for himself, I think he doesn't give enough to the people, I think he's cruel in his ways", the unfortunate shepherd replied. The Prime Minister ran to tell the king, of course who told him to call in the shepherd at once. "Shepherd! Look what I gave you! I gave you so much, you should be filled with gratitude, and you go and talk like that about me? In my very own palace? I want you sent to jail, and in three days, you can stand in the court and defend yourself." The day came, and the shepherd stood in court. He said, "my dear king, I have no words to defend myself. I have done wrong to you. There is nothing I can say to justify my wrong deed. All I ask, is that you let me play a melody on my flute for you." The king allowed him to play, and the shepherd began to play the melody he was playing when he first met the king. The king was so moved by the melody, and he said "Your melody has soothed my broken heart, it has made me happy again. I will have mercy on you, and let you stay in the palace."
     That is the sound of the Shofar, says R' Levi Yitzchak. It's a reminder that we care, that we acknowledge, that we want the relationship with Hashem. 





I knew a lot of songs made me further from G-d than closer
I ignored it for a long time, but finally did it
      It doesn't have to be Rosh Hashana, in order to fix our mistakes. If we do something wrong every day, we can fix it every day. The Shofar is the set alarm once a year, but we can make small Shofars every day. We can sing to Hashem, we can talk to Hashem, we can make Hashem happy. When you feel like you did something wrong to another person, ask for forgiveness, try to fix it up if you can. And if you did something wrong to Hashem, go quickly and remind yourself that you still want the relationship. Sometimes, bad things are good because they get us to remember that we want to be close to Hashem, and that we can fix it. But in order to remember that we want to be close to Hashem, we have to remember to remember. So, try and think of the shepherd once in a while, and think of some kind of flute you can play, some kind of melody, that will make Hashem happy, and help us stay in our relationship with Him. Show Him we know we're doing something wrong, we know we can technically just ignore it, but we care, we want to be in a relationship with You, Hashem, we're sorry for doing it, it was definitely wrong, and we won't do it again, we want to stay with You, and here's our little tune to make You happy again. Mazal Tov!
Now every song I listen to makes me think of Hashem


      

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

I Cry For Good Pictures


Have you ever had the feeling
That something’s going wrong
Amidst the tears of laughter all around you
Your heart is softly strumming a sad song

Have you been blinded by temptation
Or  drowned in deep sorrow
Did you hear a voice within you calling out
There’s a fire in your heart that’s getting cold

Take a look
Jump out of your skin for a moment
There’s something deep inside
That don’t feel right

Reach out
call out to the Heavens
ask God to help you out
it only makes you stronger
when you cry

       It happens almost every day, sometimes more than once a day, sometimes more than once an hour. It's that moment of complete despair. Something happens, someone said something, something is going wrong.... again. Inside our minds we're screaming, but outwardly we've just given up. We sigh, and continue on our daily lives loading up piles of heavy burdens on our shoulders, responsibilities, guilt trips, stress, stress, stress. Meanwhile we're still participating in a society of constant expectations, so we continue doing the same robotic things we do every day, because if we don't.... well they might find out...... they might know..... they might see right through me.... they'll know I'm a mess.....  they'll know i'm not so strong..... they'll know I'm sad inside.... they'll know I have no idea who I am...... they'll know I feel so disconnected from myself..... and from Hashem..... so I continue doing what they expect me to be doing......

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS?????

    We weren't created to be robots. Imagine someone had a nice expensive camera that took really professional nice pictures. It cost about $3,000. Imagine he gives it to someone and they use it as a plate. Yeah, they put their scrambled eggs on it, and eat right off of it. They even wash it as a dish when they're done. Is that normal?? Now imagine, the person who used it as a plate then found out that this is actually a camera, and you take pictures with it, imagine their shock, imagine their joy, imagine the refreshing enthusiasm this person now has.. So he takes some pictures... and he is happy, but he gets used to it, and soon he is so tired of it that he even sometimes wants to use it as a plate again. He won't though because he'll feel stupid now that he knows it's a camera. But nonetheless it's a little bit getting robotic. NOW imagine... he learns how to click the button on the camera to take pictures, and he knows it's not a plate anymore, but then someone comes along and sees it, and shows him that it's a really really professional camera and he can do wonders with it and there's a million different settings on it, and there's so so so so so much he can do with it!!! Now imagine the man's joyous reaction to this great news! What he thought was a plate was really a camera, and what he thought was a camera and got a little bored of already, was actually the best camera! Something he can do so much with!!! He is full of joy!

     My point is, we're using our lives here on Earth, precious time, as a toilet basically. We flush it away to a place we will never see again, we trample it, we abuse it, we completely ignore it. Then we learn things about ourselves, about our purpose, about Hashem, about our relationship with Hashem, about our People, our brothers, sisters, we all learn new good things here and there... we find out more meaning to our lives, and we like the feeling but it's fleeting, it comes and goes, we get bored of it, we want to flush it away again, we try hard to stay at a level of normalcy where people and ourselves can assume we're doing good.

   But we're really not that mediocre!! We really all have so much in us, so much to show of ourselves, so much to discover, so much to explore! There are good things awaiting all of us, there are countless things we can do with our lives, there are many many different kinds of pictures to take. And yes, it's hard sometimes to pick ourselves up and out of the robot lifestyle because it's so easy, but if we would know how much we are capable of we'd be full of joy with a whole new opportunity in front of us. But how do we reach that point? How do we get out of the puddles of mud we're so stuck in? How do we face ourselves and not despair?
 
  R' Nachman says: "People mistake despair and sadness with heartbreak. Despair and sadness is in essence anger, a complaint against God for not giving us what we want. But heartbreak is a child crying because his parents are far away."\
      I think we need to cry more. Heart-broken cries. Cries that lead to tears of joy. Cries that help us find ourselves, find Hashemm, find life. But don't despair, don't get depressed, smile all the time. But once in a while make sure you realize how far we are from our Abba, and cry. Get to know how you feel when you actually think about how far we are. Work with what you find, and reach higher. Don't be scared of not being normal. Only dead fish swim with the current. We need to start realizing that most people have no idea what they're doing in life, and are just putting on shows, you can choose to be like that too, but I'd think of you as a toilet. Just one flush after the next, and again and again, and you have no clue where it all went. Get real, people, start living it up, in whatever way you can. Get close to Hashem! You'll see! We don't need proof, we don't need logic, we don't need opinions, we just need Hashem. Just jump in, use the camera, use it well.